Private thoughts
by Jared
Summary: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours to keep." But it's one thing to say something, and another to do it. Momiji reflects.


Private thoughts  
Jared 

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Disclaimer:  
I don't own any of the characters (obviously). 

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Some die so that others may live. Some cry so that others may smile. And I cried, to make Mother smile again. 

I wanted so much to be normal, to be like someone else. For then, Mother will be happy. Mother will smile at the thought of me, be proud of me the way any Mother would be proud of a son, and laugh merrily at my antics. Instead, I was different, abnormal. I was a freak. And Mother hated me. 

I have never seen Mother smile at me before. Perhaps it was because she didn't like my face, perhaps because I was a monster who would change whenever I was in her arms. Whatever the case, I was always aware of Mother hating me, and I hated myself for that-- for making Mother unhappy. 

It was my fault, that I knew. It was my fault that I was abnormal, that I couldn't be what Mother wanted me to be-- normal. And I won't deny that I've wished, harder than anyone would have imagined, to be human. For to be human was to be similar; to be human meant... smiles. And I wanted to smile, me and Mother. I wanted so much to be normal. 

Father was different. He never failed to smile at me, or pick me up when he returned from work. I would rush out of the gate to meet him, and he would always stop and cuddle me close, saying cheerfully, "And how is my Momiji today?" And I always answered the same thing that I did-- fine. 

So I lied, but I didn't want to make Father unhappy too. I remember once when I broke down and cried, and said that I wasn't fine, that I was sad because Mother hated me. And I will never forget that look on his face. It was a mirror of Mother's, right down to the slight frown and the droop in the mouth. And it hurt more than anything, knowing that I had hurt Father too. I didn't want to; I had hurt Mother already, and I didn't want to hurt Father as well. So I did what he wanted me to; I lied. 

It made things a tad better, I suppose, for me to lie. For in the least, I knew Father was happy. And that cheered me up a little. Father was happy; Father wouldn't hate me too. I didn't think I would be able to live with _both_ Father and Mother being mad at me. Even though I knew I was being bad, that children shouldn't lie... I did it anyway... because I was scared. 

Then that day came, the day that I feared so much. The day I was given away. 

I greeted Father the way I always had, and he stooped down to hug me. And something felt wrong, so terribly wrong. Father... Father was troubled. And it was my fault, I just knew it. I must have done something to make Father angry with me. I had no clue what it was, no idea why it was so. All I knew was that I had made Father angry, and I was terrified. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, that no matter what I had done, I'll never do it again. To tell him to forgive me, that I'll be good. To tell him not to hate me. 

But before I could open my mouth, he said, "Momiji, Mother can't take it anymore." Whatever I had expected, it was not that. I was shocked; what could that mean? It wasn't my fault? I felt somewhat relieved that Father wasn't angry at me. Yet something about his tone told me that all was _not_ right. 

"Mother's very sick, and the only way she'd get better is if she forgot about you." That hurt more than I would have imagined possible. Forget me? Sure, Mother had never been affectionate towards me, crying when I went near, and shouting at me to make me go away. But I had never dreamed that she'd have to forget about _me_. It couldn't be; there had to be some other way. There has to be. She can't forget me, she can't. I'm Momiji; she must remember that, she must. 

"From now on, I'll give you twice as much love, so that I'll give you the love that Mother would give you too." Tears started to form in my eyes. I don't want that, I don't. I don't want twice of Father's love. I'm content with just one share, I don't need Father to love me the most, I don't. I just want Mother to love me, just that. Honest, I am happy even if she doesn't love me, I don't care. I just want to stay with her, be near her. Even if she hates me, yells at me, and never loves me, I'll still love her. Because she's Mother. And all children love their parents, just like all parents love their children. I know it. 

"You love her too, right." And then, I broke. I nodded, painfully. I agreed. Because I knew no matter how much it sounded like an option, it wasn't an option at all. Mother _would_ forget about me, whether I wanted it or not. And Father wanted it too. There was no room for negotiation. In the least, by agreeing, Father will still love me. Father won't hate me too, Father won't forget about me. Even if Mother didn't love me, even if Mother forgot about me, Father would love me. He would, he would, wouldn't he? 

The day came when I was to be removed from Mother's memory permanently. On that day, I rose early. I followed her about closer than ever, hoping that by some mere miracle, she would suddenly change her mind, that she would say, "I don't want to forget." But she didn't. But I believed... I believed that she would say it. Maybe not now, maybe later, when they asked her for the final time before Hatori erased her memory, she would choose to remember. Because all mothers love their children, don't they? 

I sneaked out later that day, so that Father wouldn't be able to find me, to tell me that I wasn't to follow. No matter what they said, I had to hear it for myself, to hear Mother say it before I believed it-- that she really wanted to forget about me. That it wasn't something that they had tricked her into. I _had_ to hear it for myself. 

Eavesdroppers never hear anything good. "Are you sure want to do this? You won't regret it?" I heard Hatori's voice. Cautiously, I peeped round the door. Mother was there. She didn't answer at first, and my heart lifted. She was going to say no, I knew it. She must be. 

She nodded, and my world came crashing down. Just as I thought things were as bad as they could get, they got worse. "The only regret I have is bringing that _thing_ into this world," she said, shuddering. And I couldn't speak, I couldn't react. Mother hated me so much that all she could think of me was a monster, as a thing. I wasn't Momiji, never Momiji. I was only a _thing_, something that reminded her of painful memories, something that should never have existed. I was nothing. 

And then, I disappeared from Mother's memory. It hurt, it hurt so bad to realise that one decision, in which I had no part to play in, made such a difference to my life. No more was I allowed near her, no more could she remember me. Not that she ever did, for I was only a _thing_ to her. Yet I didn't understand. Why was it that Mother's decision made such an impact on my life, when my decision to love her didn't? Why is it so unfair? Why was it that my decision to love her couldn't make me happy, and yet hers to forget me could? Am I really so terrible that she couldn't even stand the memory of me? 

It got better, somewhat. For after Mother forgot about me, she remembered me. I had a name at last; I was Momiji. Not the thing that she hated, but Momiji, one of the kids from the Souma family. And she would talk to me, once in a while, to give me bits of advice. And those moments made me so happy. That Mother finally _cared_ about me. And... and I could go near her, without her screaming for me to step away. I could go near her. If only I could stay under the same roof as her, that would be perfect. 

But Father warned me not to get too close. "Don't forget," he said, "that Mother doesn't remember who you are now. She's happy now. You wouldn't want to make her sad again, would you?" For the second time in my life, my heart was ripped into two. For once again, I had to give the answer I knew he sought, the answer which would betray my heart. 

I never dared to cry in front of Father, to let him know how much it was hurting me, because he wanted me to be strong. He wanted Mother to be all right, he wanted to love me. And he wanted me to be strong. So I had to be, I had to. Even if I hated every minute of it, I never dared to say no. I hated the way that my decisions were made for me, like I didn't matter at all. But I lacked the courage to tell anyone what I truly felt like. For I had lost Mother. I didn't want to lose Father as well. 

Soon, Momo was born. And I saw, for the first time in my life, how Mother could have looked at me. With tenderness in her eyes as she slowly rocked the tiny bundle to and fro, humming a little lullaby. Her cheeks were flushed with excitement, a healthy glow to them. She looked.. looked so... content. I couldn't stand it anymore; I excused myself from the room where we had all gathered to celebrate the baby's birth, headed out into the garden where the dark enveloped me, going right towards the empty wall. And there, I cried. 

It wasn't fair. I banged my fist against the wall. It wasn't fair at all. It should have been _me_ who was held, _me_ whom Mother was looking at so happily. And it wasn't. Because I was a freak. Because I was a monster, who could never be hugged by my own Mother, a monster who would never know a Mother's love. And it was all my fault, my fault for being abnormal. But I never wanted to be different, never. All I wanted, more than anything in my life, was to be normal. And that was something that I could never get, something that I would never get a chance to be-- human. 

When I heard of Tohru, I was excited. She had seen Shigure, Yuki, and even Kyou's other forms. She had seen them and had accepted them. Could she not do the same for me? Would she accept me too, and have me as a friend as well? She would, wouldn't she? She wouldn't see me as a freak, would she? Then I heard that Akito was going to visit her. I couldn't help it-- I begged to go. 

Of course, Hatori managed to stop Akito from going there, but he got to go in his place. And Hatori is easy enough to convince... at least, I hoped so. It turned out to be easier than I expected. Hatori agreed... on condition that I was good. The instant I made trouble, he said, we would leave. I agreed. 

When I saw Tohru, the first thing I did was to want to jump into her arms. Mother had rejected me from that instant. If Tohru did, then I would know from the very beginning. There was no other way out. I just _had_ to know. 

Of course, I had not reckoned with Kyou. He refused, point blank, to let me touch Tohru, knowing full well that I would transform the minute we hugged. But I _had_ to know. So I tricked him, and leapt straight into the surprised Tohru's arms, transforming instantly. Then, to my surprise, she panicked. And I guess, I did too. She's going to hate me, like Mother. Because I'm not like others. But.. but Yuki, and Kyou.. she... she accepted them. Why doesn't she like me? Am I really so unlovable, that not even Tohru would like me? 

Then, I understood. Plenty of people came dashing in, poking at my clothes, and questioning Tohru. So maybe transforming there wasn't such a great idea after all. Somehow or another, we managed to sneak away, and head up to the rooftop. And she hugged me, she actually hugged _me_. I was so glad I could have cried. She didn't hate me, and she _hugged_ me. She liked me! 

We left shortly after that, because Hatori said I had broken our side of the bargain. I didn't like it, but I knew better than to argue with Hatori. Besides, I could always talk to Tohru another time. I know it-- for life has suddenly changed for the better. 

Maybe... maybe someday, just one day, when I'm able to look back at all those painful memories with a smile, Mother would be able to smile at the Momiji she had forgotten. 


End file.
